


But Then You Found Me, and Everything Changed

by divine_dissatisfaction



Series: Tell the Saint of Lost Souls Where to Find Me [2]
Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Sex, Mentions of Cancer, One Shot Collection, Romance, Smut, also all the chapter titles are sara bareilles lyrics bc i love her, oh and the series title? correct you guessed it also sara bareilles lyrics, the fic title? sara bareilles lyrics, upload schedule? i don't know her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:47:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divine_dissatisfaction/pseuds/divine_dissatisfaction
Summary: Vignettes from the most astonishing, luminous month of Gwendolyn Briggs' life.
Relationships: Mildred Ratched/Gwendolyn Briggs
Series: Tell the Saint of Lost Souls Where to Find Me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2014915
Comments: 79
Kudos: 188





	1. Take My Love and Wear it Over Your Shoulders

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> So, this is basically going to be a one shot collection, all taking place between the end of episode 7 and the beginning of episode 8. I'm gonna level with y'all, much as I would love to be the kind of super-organised fic author who has an ✨upload schedule✨, I can't guarantee such a thing. I will aim for weekly uploads, but we shall see!
> 
> Specific tags for this chapter include: fluff, a lot of fluff, and also mentions of cancer and its treatment in the first half. As I'm not SUPER sure what exactly each chapter will entail yet, nor indeed how many there will be, I shall update the tags as I add each chapter.
> 
> (P.S. Thank you for the lovely response my first Ratched fic had - I was trepidatious about dipping my toe back into the fanfic world again, but I'm so pleased people enjoyed my offering)

‘So, Mrs Briggs – Gwendolyn,’ the doctor hedged, stammering as he dispensed with the formality of using Gwendolyn’s married name. He leaned forward across his desk, linking his hands together across a neat pile of paper – Gwendolyn’s medical records – spindly spectacles perched on the end of his nose. He tried to smile. ‘It would be dishonest of me to tell you that this is going to be a pleasant ride.’

The woman nodded, a small smile flickering across her lips – borne out of politeness more than genuine positivity.

‘I have no illusions, Doctor Miller,’ she replied, fiddling absently with the button on the sleeve of her blouse, ‘But if there’s any chance it could help… delay things, for a while…’

She trailed off as she allowed herself to think of Mildred. Mildred, and her steeled optimism (she herself would call it pragmatism). Mildred, who had scoured seemingly every medical journal in the county to find Gwendolyn the very best care, had given nary a thought to the cost of it all. Who had reassured her with a child-like, devout belief, that she would get through this. That _they_ would get through this.

‘I’m certainly willing to try,’ Gwendolyn finished, meeting the doctor’s kindly eyes with her own and managing to smile properly.

‘Alright, well,’ Doctor Miller began, pushing his spectacles further up his notes with one crinkly finger as he consulted his notes. ‘Your first appointment will be next Thursday, and each Thursday thereafter for three months. Due to how the cancer has developed so far, your treatment will be administered intravenously. It’s – rather more aggressive. Antifolates are a relatively new venture, but they are already yielding positive results in cancer patients. However, I must stress that the side effects are unpleasant. Lethargy, nausea, stomach trouble, and hair loss, amongst others.’

Gwendolyn nodded along, gripping one hand with her other and stroking her thumb back and forth along the skin on her wrist, trying to mimic Mildred’s own touch. The comfort it usually brought did not quite arrive, however.

‘If you’d like to take this pamphlet with you,’ the doctor continued, holding a neatly folded slip of paper out across his desk towards her, ‘It goes into more detail about what the treatment entails.’

She leaned forward to take the pamphlet from him wordlessly, scanning her eyes over the printed words but barely taking them in.

‘Thank you, doctor,’ she said, stuffing the pamphlet into her purse and standing up.

Doctor Miller offered his hand across the desk and the woman took it, giving it a small but firm shake.

‘I’ll see you next Thursday, Gwendolyn,’ he said, eyes crinkling as he smiled.

Gwendolyn nodded briskly, squeezing the doctor’s hand again before releasing it and turning to walk out of the room.

* * *

Her drive home was contemplative, even melancholic. The sun was setting now, creeping down towards the horizon and bathing everything in warm gold. If she wasn’t so preoccupied, she would have thought it quite a beautiful sight.

When she pulled up in front of her house, tucking her car behind Mildred’s mint-green Beetle, she had never been so relieved to see her own front door. It wasn’t so much that she was overly fond of the house itself; years of a faux marriage had seen to that. Rather, it was the knowledge that behind that door was the woman she had fallen in love with, who assuredly loved her in return. Gwendolyn smiled as she thought of her, rested her hands in her lap for a while as she took a couple of deep breaths. Then, she heaved herself out of the car, tugged her purse after her, and walked up towards her front door. Her sanctuary.

Mildred enveloped her in a hug as soon as she’d closed the door behind her, pressing right against her and tucking her chin into the crook between her neck and shoulder.

‘How was it?’ she asked quietly, rubbing a soothing hand up and down Gwendolyn’s back.

‘Fine,’ the older woman replied, almost automatically, before giving a more considered answer, ‘Well, it’s going to be hell, but that came as no surprise. It starts next Thursday. Weekly sessions.’

She felt Mildred nod before she pulled away and reached for her hands. The younger woman smiled at her, but worry twitched the corners of her lips, as she gently guided Gwendolyn through to the living room. She sat them both down on the sofa, interlocking their fingers.

‘How do you feel?’

‘I feel… tired.’

‘Are you hungry? I made spaghetti. It’s ready to eat if you’d like it.’

Gwendolyn nodded, letting go of Mildred’s hands so she could stand up and walk into the kitchen. The older woman followed mutely, lowering herself into one of the dining chairs and leaning both elbows on the table in front of her. She rested her head on one palm, twirling a lock of her hair through the fingers of her free hand.

Mildred placed a plate of steaming spaghetti in front of her, coated in rich tomato sauce.

‘The sauce is just from a jar. I hope it’s alright,’ the nurse muttered, and Gwendolyn swelled at this new predisposition to be so honest now. Now, when they’d turned this new page into life as a pair.

‘It looks lovely,’ the older woman assured, picking up her fork to twirl the spaghetti around it.

Mildred watched her for a moment or two, as if gauging her reaction, before digging into her own plate.

Once they’d eaten, they washed and dried the dishes together, before retreating to the living room towards the sofa. Gwendolyn plucked the pamphlet out of her purse, then sat down alongside Mildred, swinging her legs up onto the cushion so she could lie down and nestle her head in her lap.

She perused her pamphlet, scanning her eyes down rows of printed text and bullet points, nibbling on her lower lip. She puffed out a breath.

‘I’m going to be rather a handful, I warn you,’ she said lightly, ‘Fatigue, nausea, anemia. Itchy skin. I wonder how long it’ll take for my hair to fall out.’

Her forced facetiousness did little to quell the little pit of nerves in the bottom of her belly. She twisted her lips to one side and exhaled through her nose, thumbs tracing up and down the sides of the pamphlet as she held it.

‘I deal with worse every day at work, my darling,’ Mildred replied, combing her fingertips through honey-gold hair, ‘You could never be a handful.’

Gwendolyn allowed herself a small smile, folding the pamphlet neatly closed again and tossing it to the coffee table.

‘I think I’ve read enough of that for now,’ she said, settling back down in Mildred’s lap and letting her eyes flicker shut.

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Weary, my love.’

‘Would some fresh air help?’

Gwendolyn’s eyebrows quirked upwards. She shifted a little, tilting her head up awkwardly to try and meet Mildred’s eye.

‘Hm?’

‘Well,’ the nurse began, ‘I’ve been in the hospital all day, and it looks like a beautiful evening.’

Gwendolyn gazed out of the front window at the darkening sky, tutting thoughtfully.

‘Alright,’ she agreed, fighting a yawn, ‘Where were you thinking of going?’

‘To the beach,’ Mildred answered, and Gwendolyn heard the smile behind her words. The older woman sat up then, turning to look at Mildred properly.

‘The beach?’

The nurse nodded earnestly.

‘Mildred, the sun’s down. It’ll be freezing.’

‘We’ll wrap up.’

‘But -’ Gwendolyn started, lips forming around silent words before she conceded with a small sigh, lacking the strength to argue, ‘Alright, let’s go to the beach.’

‘I’ll drive,’ Mildred offered, holding her hands out for Gwendolyn to take them and get to her feet.

* * *

As Gwendolyn feared, the air was chill and bitter as they got out of the car. Mildred had driven along the coastline until she’d found a secluded little section of it, bookended by formidable cliffs on either side. The tide was out, waves expanding and retreating gently as if the ocean breathed in slumber.

The sea air whipped around their faces as the couple huddled together, setting off down a set of worn, wooden steps to reach the sand below.

‘It’ll be less windy when we’re at the bottom of the cliffs,’ Mildred assured Gwendolyn, looping their arms together as they made their descent.

Gwendolyn nodded, her shoulders hunched.

When they finally reached the sand, the wind calmed to almost nothing, the gentlest breeze playing across their faces. The soft rush of the ocean waves hummed through the air. It was otherwise completely silent.

‘There, isn’t this nice?’ Mildred asked in a murmur, hugging Gwendolyn’s arm tighter and turning to look at her.

‘Yes, darling,’ Gwendolyn admitted with a grin, turning to plant a small kiss on the other woman’s cheek.

The two women walked together in silence for a few moments, listening to the sound of their feet crunching across coarse sand. Gwendolyn tried to savor this, this moment of quiet before her treatment began. She looked up towards the sky, now inky-black and adorned with blinking stars.

‘Beautiful,’ she breathed, tugging Mildred closer as they walked.

The younger woman looked up too and nodded her agreement.

‘I don’t know how seeing all those stars can make you feel so… powerful, yet so small,’ Gwendolyn said, looking away from the sight momentarily to focus on where her feet were going.

‘It always made me feel lonely,’ Mildred murmured.

Gwendolyn looked over to her, eyebrows quirked in sympathy, waiting for her to continue.

‘When I was a child,’ the nurse continued, ‘I would stare out of the window every night before falling asleep. And – I don’t know. The darkness - it just reminded me of how… completely alone I really was.’

Mildred trailed off, running her hand up Gwendolyn’s bicep and sniffing. Gwendolyn turned to her, placing both her hands on the younger woman’s shoulders.

‘You aren’t alone anymore, Mildred,’ she said firmly, moving her hands to either side of the woman’s face and cradling her cheeks in her chilled palms.

The nurse nodded, managing to smile.

‘Hey, this walk was meant to be cheering _me_ up, remember?’ Gwendolyn said, softening her gentle gibe by bopping the end of Mildred’s nose with an index finger. The younger woman giggled, leaning in to press their lips together. Their kiss was soft, sincere. The women sighed as their lips moved together lazily, wrapped in each other’s arms as if they were the only two people in the world. In that moment, Mildred thought she wouldn’t mind that scenario so much.

When their kiss had cooled to chaste little pecks, punctuated with soft giggles, she pulled away to place her hands on either side of Gwendolyn’s face.

‘I love you,’ she whispered, thumbs tracing gently along each of the woman’s cheekbones.

‘I love you, too,’ Gwendolyn replied, placing her hands on Mildred’s wrists.

They shared one last kiss, and then continued their short stroll along the beach, hand in hand and listening to the hushed, rushing breaths of the ocean beside them.


	2. Just Stay Here, Hold Me in the Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.
> 
> I suppose I just needed to get this out of my system.
> 
> tags: discussions of the DELIGHT that is compulsory heterosexuality, and sex. that's... literally it.

‘How did you know?’

‘How did I know what?’

‘How did you know I was… like you?’

Mildred still couldn’t bring herself to say the word. Not in reference to herself. Even now, lying next to Gwendolyn and still catching her breath, sweat cooling across her skin. The air around them glowed in gentle lamplight, warm and damp with subsiding passion. Their legs were still tangled together, toes touching beneath the sheets. Mildred ran her fingertips like a feather down the older woman’s arm, joining up the freckles splattered across her skin like constellations. She chewed on her bottom lip.

‘A lesbian, you mean?’ Gwendolyn clarified with a cocked eyebrow.

‘Y-yes, a lesbian,’ Mildred confirmed quietly, feeling her chest tighten.

Gwendolyn seemed to understand, reaching to cup Mildred’s face gently in her warm hand and look into her eyes.

‘You know, it’s not a bad word,’ she said, ‘I know the environments you’ve been in might make you believe otherwise. The people you’ve had to answer to. But there’s nothing wrong with you, Mildred. Nothing wrong with you, or me, or any of us. You know that, don’t you?’

‘I know, I’m sorry,’ Mildred replied, placing a hand on the top of Gwendolyn’s chest and tapping lightly with her fingertips. She could feel the woman’s heartbeat pulsing faintly beneath her skin, and it calmed her, ‘I’d just like to know, how – how you knew. Before I ever did.’

‘You really didn’t know?’ Gwendolyn asked, an edge of incredulity creeping into her voice.

‘Well,’ Mildred started, before pressing her lips together.

She guessed if she thought about it now, with the benefit of hindsight, she’d always felt… not _different_ , exactly, but rather like there was an element of superficiality to any relationship she tried to pursue with men. It was as if there was a kind of mottled filter slotted into place, clouding her vision, and muddling her feelings so she confused how she felt with how societal expectations dictated she _should_ have felt. When she was working in the corps, the soldiers she attended complimented her beauty in delirium, so riddled with opiates that they could barely keep their eyes open. At the time, their affections had stirred something pleasant and warm in her stomach, which she could now see as an understandable reaction. Kind words meant something no matter who they were from, to one who was so inescapably and painfully starved of kindness.

She thought about Gwendolyn, not as she knew her now, but when she’d been a complete stranger visiting the hospital for the first time. She’d had a curiosity about her almost immediately, she supposed. A desire to get to know her better. She remembered the trip to the oyster bar, and how Gwendolyn had fed her the strange little shellfish and had _listened_ to her, really listened. She guessed she’d been so flustered at the thought of this intelligent, forthright woman taking an interest in her thoughts and opinions that she hadn’t fully realized that it was _attraction_ she was feeling.

‘I suppose I never let myself think about it,’ she admitted.

Gwendolyn nodded, stroking a hand down Mildred’s side and resting it in the valley between her hip and ribcage. She took a breath in, considering her words before she spoke.

‘When I first saw you,’ she began, ‘Governor Wilburn put his hand on you, around you like he had some divine right to, and you immediately told him not to.’

Mildred lifted an amused eyebrow.

‘I don’t want a man to grope me, so that means I’m a lesbian?’

Gwendolyn chuckled, placing a hand on Mildred’s chest.

‘Well – not necessarily, no,’ she said, ‘But I could just sense something… Just the way you conducted yourself around him. Around all the men in that place. There was no – _performance_ to it. You didn’t seem to pay any heed to how attractive you were to them.’

Mildred nodded, a little crease appearing between her eyebrows.

‘People like us, Mildred,’ Gwendolyn continued, ‘We can sort of… sense when we meet other people like us. Does that sound familiar?’

Mildred continued to worry her bottom lip as she considered the point. She thought of those two women she’d helped escape from the hospital. She remembered meeting the younger one on the day she’d first been admitted, how she’d immediately noticed her orientation without the poor girl even having to tell her, attributing it to her _facial structure_ of all things.

‘I think so,’ she said in a whisper.

‘Don’t let it give you a crisis, my sweet,’ Gwendolyn said, fighting a yawn, ‘Feelings are a complicated thing.’

‘They are,’ Mildred agreed, snuggling closer against Gwendolyn’s chest. She felt a soft kiss press against the top of her forehead and smiled.

‘Lying here, with you, feels good. It feels like the most _right_ thing in the world.’

‘I feel the same,’ Mildred agreed.

‘Yeah?’

Yes,’ the younger woman confirmed, shifting one of her legs ever so slightly where it lay cradled between Gwendolyn’s. She leaned back a little, looking into the woman’s eyes as she slowly dragged her hands down her sides, resting them at her hips. Gwendolyn tilted her head forward to kiss her softly, cupping her chin in her hand as their lips melded together. Mildred sighed, her thumbs rubbing back and forth across the skin on Gwendolyn’s hips as she leaned into the kiss. The older woman pulled away after a moment, only a little, just to whisper, ‘You’re so beautiful, Mildred,’ before resuming their kiss, more earnestly this time.

Before too long, the women were rolling over, Mildred lying beneath Gwendolyn and wrapping both arms across her back. She trailed her fingernails lightly up the woman’s back, over the divots in her spine, panting into her mouth as Gwendolyn moved to slide one thigh between her legs. Their bare bodies moved lazily together as they slowly kissed each other.

‘I love you so much,’ Gwendolyn whispered after a few moments, pulling away to look down at Mildred, hand stroking gently through her hair.

‘I love you too,’ Mildred replied, reaching up to cradle Gwendolyn’s face in her two hands and guide her down to kiss her again.

‘You’re so beautiful. My love, my sweet,’ came Gwendolyn’s whispered adorations as she pressed her lips along Mildred’s jawline.

Mildred ran her hands down the woman’s back, a whimper escaping from her throat as Gwendolyn moved her thigh just so. She rolled her hips, slowly, lifting one leg to hook it over Gwendolyn’s hip. Their kisses were more fervent now, a heat once again brewing between them as they wrapped themselves in each other’s arms. Mildred pressed both hands to the small of Gwendolyn’s back, groaning as the woman’s hips moved so deliciously against her own.

‘Oh, Mildred,’ Gwendolyn husked, her breaths coming in shaking pants.

‘Mm,’ Mildred hummed in response, kissing her again.

‘Can I -’

But Gwendolyn stopped herself, the request trailing off as quickly as a match being struck then extinguished. She kissed Mildred’s neck again, placing one hand on her chest, feeling her heartbeat thrumming beneath the surface.

‘Can you…?’ Mildred prompted in a murmur, covering Gwendolyn’s hand with her own.

The older woman rasped in a breath, looking at their clasped hands in thought.

‘Can I… use my mouth on you?’

Mildred inhaled sharply as Gwendolyn pulled back to look at her. The woman clarified her request by dragging her eyes down Mildred’s body and then back up to her face.

They hadn’t crossed that line yet, only just over a week into this new physical aspect of their relationship. Gwendolyn hadn’t ever asked this of her before for – and Mildred couldn’t think of denying it – she did well enough with her hands, and she certainly had no intentions of pushing Mildred further than she was ready for.

But Mildred felt a lightning bolt shoot straight through her core at the thought of it, of this new level of intimacy for them to share together. Her head nodded of its own volition.

‘Y-yes,’ she whispered with an affirming nod, resting her hands on Gwendolyn’s hips.

‘Are you sure?’ Gwendolyn replied, leaning down to ghost her lips across Mildred’s jawbone, ‘I’d really like to.’

‘Yes, you can,’ Mildred said, more firmly.

Gwendolyn pulled away again, meeting Mildred’s eyes, uncertainty still written into her features. Mildred gave her a small smile, warmth flooding to her fingertips at Gwendolyn’s determination to ascertain that she really wanted this, that she was comfortable.

‘Please, I want you to,’ she whispered, reaching up to stroke Gwendolyn’s cheek.

The older woman nodded, taking a steadying breath. She kissed Mildred again, gently, before traversing down the front of her throat and then across each of her collar bones. Mildred closed her eyes, keeping her hands on Gwendolyn’s shoulders as she gradually moved lower. She sucked in a breath as Gwendolyn turned her attentions to each of her nipples, grazing them gently with her teeth before soothing with a swipe of her tongue. Lower still she moved, pressing a flurry of kisses between her breasts and down the center of her ribcage. Lower still, across her hip bones, her hands gliding down her sides and warming her skin beneath their touch.

Mildred burned with anticipation, arousal trickling through her veins like hot honey. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth, staring at the ceiling and letting Gwendolyn gently ease her knees apart. When she felt soft hair tickling the insides of her thighs and warm breath ghosting over her aching center she gasped, a tiny whimper escaping from her. She reached one hand down over her stomach, and Gwendolyn took it immediately, squeezing it and running her thumb back and forth.

‘Okay?’ the older woman asked.

‘Yes,’ Mildred practically squeaked, eyes still fixed on the ceiling.

‘Mildred, look at me.’

Mildred blinked rapidly before she responded to the gentle request. She peeked down at Gwendolyn, who was cradled snugly between her thighs, leaning on one elbow and resting her head in the hand that wasn’t clutched in her own.

‘If you want to stop, you tell me. Not just now, but any time. Ever. Okay?’

Mildred nodded wordlessly.

‘You promise you’ll tell me?’

‘I promise.’

‘Okay,’ Gwendolyn said, a smile warming her face as she squeezed Mildred’s hand again and slowly lowered her head.

Mildred kept hold of Gwendolyn’s hand, resting it on her hip as she felt her pulse in seemingly every corner of her body. She felt fingers gently parting her, then that breath came again, and she felt as if she were on fire. Then, the fingers were joined with something else: something warm, wet, and rough.

‘Oh, God,’ Mildred moaned, eyes rolled back in her head.

‘Mm.’

‘Oh, _Gwen_.’

Mildred gasped and whimpered as electricity crackled through every muscle and sinew, as Gwendolyn’s tongue lapped at her, swirling over and through her. Her stomach muscles seized, hips canting upwards before Gwendolyn let go of her hand to snake both arms under her legs and over her hips, keeping her anchored. Keeping her safe. Mildred reached down again, running her fingertips through Gwendolyn’s hair and tugging gently.

Gwendolyn hummed against her, and Mildred dared to peer down at her. The sight of that blonde head bobbing slowly between her legs was almost too much to bear, and she gasped and cooed as the woman began to speed up her ministrations, tongue flicking expertly over that perfect spot and stealing her breath away. She moved her hand from Gwendolyn’s head to the hand that lay over her hip, and the woman immediately turned it, interlocking their fingers so they were palm to palm.

She barely registered when Gwendolyn moved her other arm, taking it from her hips and moving it down her own body. She couldn’t even think straight, her vision clouding over and stars sparking behind her eyelids as that now-familiar bubbling began in the very bottom of her stomach. With her free hand, she clawed at the bedsheets beside her, clutching them so tightly her knuckles turned white. Back arching, her head pressing deep into the pillows, she felt as if she was floating, levitating upwards out of that room and through the skies, into the stratosphere. Surely, no earthly thing could feel this good.

‘Oh, Gwen – _oh_ , I -’ she whimpered, that bubbling in her stomach intensifying to a hot boiling.

‘Mm-hmm,’ came Gwendolyn’s mumbled encouragement, and the vibration of her voice against her was all it took for Mildred to cry out and shudder, her orgasm washing over her like a warm wave.

Gwendolyn moaned against her, gradually slowing the lapping of her tongue as Mildred finally relaxed, boneless on the mattress. She wiped her mouth on the back of her hand, licking her lips quickly as she crawled alongside Mildred and lay down next to her. She gathered the exhausted woman into her arms, crossing them over at the small of her back.

‘You taste amazing,’ she murmured, kissing her forehead.

Mildred wasn’t entirely sure how to take that information. It hadn’t ever occurred to her that she would particularly _taste_ of anything.

‘Um, thank you,’ she replied.

‘No,’ Gwendolyn said, pausing to kiss her lips, ‘Thank _you_. For letting me do that.’

Mildred bit her lip against a grin.

‘I feel like I should be thanking _you_ ,’ she whispered, ‘That was… well. You make me feel so good.’

The older woman shrugged, bringing a hand to Mildred’s hip and lightly squeezing, ‘You deserve to feel good.’

Mildred nodded, trying to believe those words, nervously skimming her hands down Gwendolyn’s sides.

‘Are you okay?’ the woman asked, ‘I didn’t go too far?’

The younger woman smiled.

‘You didn’t go too far,’ she reassured, ‘I’m okay. _Better_ than okay.’

Gwendolyn nodded, seeming satisfied. But Mildred felt a nervous tension crawl across her shoulders as she brought her hands to rest at the other woman’s hips.

‘Would you like me to do that for you now?’ she offered timidly.

She really would have had no idea how to, but she wanted so desperately to please Gwendolyn, to make her feel as good as she herself had made her feel. And the older woman had previously had no issue with guiding Mildred in their lovemaking, for she was still learning, and so surely she wouldn’t mind doing the same this time? Before Mildred’s thoughts of inadequacy could run away with her, however, Gwendolyn took her hand in both of her own and held it against her chest.

‘Not tonight, my sweet.’

‘But – but you didn’t -’

Gwendolyn shushed her gently, pressing a finger to her lips.

‘It’s okay. I took care of it.’

Mildred frowned a little, wondering what on earth the woman meant. Then, she remembered how Gwendolyn had moved her arm from her hips, how she’d moaned when Mildred had reached her own release, almost as if she’d – _oh,_ _goodness_. She nearly whimpered aloud at the thought, at the image of Gwendolyn doing that, of her touching herself, pleasuring herself as she pleasured her and reaching her climax with her, together. She could think of nothing more sensual, nor beautiful.

‘ _Oh_ ,’ she whispered, biting her lip and laughing through her nose.

Gwendolyn let out a throaty chuckle, pressing another kiss to Mildred’s damp brow before reaching to switch the bedside lamp off. Then, she reached to pull the bedsheets over them both. And they lay together in the dark, cocooned in warmth and each running feather-light fingertips over the other’s skin.

‘So, did that answer your question?’ Gwendolyn asked after a few quiet moments, gently gathering Mildred against her chest and stroking one hand up and down her back.

‘Huh?’ Mildred yawned, eyes flickering closed as she tucked her head underneath the other woman’s chin.

‘About your being a lesbian?’

Mildred giggled, kissing Gwendolyn’s shoulder.

‘Yes, I guess there’s no turning back now,' she said in feigned dismay.

‘Oh, Mildred, I love you so,’ Gwendolyn whispered, chuckling as she kissed her forehead and let her eyes finally close.

‘Love you too,’ Mildred mumbled, her words almost slurring together now that slumber was beckoning.

And they lay together like that, wrapped in each other as their breaths slowed and sleep finally gathered them into its soft embrace. No one could hurt them here. Here, in this room, curled together in the dark as if they’d never let each other go, they were untouchable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brb off to douse myself in holy water.
> 
> Please leave a comment if you're so inclined!


	3. All I Have, All I Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this.. honestly turned out a lil more sad than I intended so pls don't be mad (next chapter will be the happy, fluffy writing we're all used to from me I promise!)
> 
> tags: mentions of cancer, Mildred being a sad bean who just has a lot of Feelings

When Gwendolyn awoke on Thursday morning, it took her a few sleep-hazed moments to remember the significance of the day. She yawned, deeply, massaging the inner corners of her eyes with two fingers to rid them of dust and stretching her legs till her bones creaked. She looked up at the ceiling, the nerves about her first chemotherapy appointment crawling around her belly like cold snakes. Then, she blearily rolled over, eyes closing again, reaching for the warm body next to her with one sleepy arm. It took her arm thumping unceremoniously against the mattress for her to realize that Mildred wasn’t there. She blinked several times, frowning and patting the mattress as if to confirm what her eyes could already see.

Mildred was often awake before her; that, in itself, was nothing out of the ordinary. But she would usually wait for Gwendolyn to wake as well, lying alongside her and trailing gentle fingertips through her hair and down the side of her face. It was _un_ usual for the woman to be out of bed without waking her first, and with their relationship progressing so rapidly yet tentatively, Gwendolyn felt a twinge of worry in her gut. She had grown rather used to, almost _expectant_ of, Mildred’s face being the first thing she saw when she woke up. Not seeing it today felt a little jarring. She lifted herself to her elbows and listened for any sounds of running water, any movement from the en-suite. But silence answered her, and she frowned as she hauled herself out of bed and found her bathrobe.

She padded down the stairs, tying the bathrobe around herself and nibbling on her lower lip. She walked through to the living room, stepping over to the window, tugging at one of the curtains drawn over the front window so she could peek out of it. Surely, Mildred couldn’t have –

No, the mint-green Beetle was still there, parked in exactly the same place she’d left it yesterday. Gwendolyn breathed out, shaking her head at herself for her dramatics.

A sound from the kitchen made her turn, a little crease appearing between her eyebrows as she walked towards it. As she got closer to the kitchen door, she was greeted with the scent of frying bacon, and her face finally broke into a grin as the realization dawned on her.

She stood in the doorway, leaning against it with her arms folded across her chest and one foot tucked behind the other. The sight before her made her warm right down to her bare feet, which were chill against the floor tiles. Mildred was stood at the stove, with her back to her, poking rashers of bacon around a frying pan. There was a saucepan on the adjacent ring – scrambled eggs, Gwendolyn guessed – which Mildred stirred absently with her other hand.

She was still in her nightclothes, silk robe tied neatly around her. She’d brushed her hair though, pinning it half-up. Gwendolyn shivered pleasantly. She thought Mildred was at her most beautiful like this – relaxed and free from the tightly-wound fastidiousness she always donned along with her nurse’s uniform.

On the small table in the center of the room – behind Mildred and in front of Gwendolyn – was a plate, knife and fork, and a steaming mug of coffee, all placed neatly on a tray. Gwendolyn felt her heart squeeze at the sight of it, the gentle domesticity of it. She stepped forward further into the room, watching as Mildred turned around with the frying pan and a pair of tongs. Then, finally, she looked up and saw Gwendolyn for the first time, and froze.

‘Oh, good morning,’ the nurse said, holding the tongs in mid-air. The bacon that was pinched in their grasp dripped its fat back to the frying pan below with a quiet sizzle.

She looked skittish, a little like a fawn caught in headlights. Gwendolyn smiled at her, in reassurance, stepping further into the room.

‘What’s the occasion?’ she asked, gesturing towards the arrangement on the table.

‘I – I wanted to surprise you,’ Mildred said, her cheeks coloring as her lips twitched into a nervous smile. She began laying the rashers of cooked bacon on the plate, neatly crossing them over one another.

Gwendolyn grinned. She’d wanted to make her breakfast in bed. Today, of all days.

‘I thought you’d like a relaxed morning,’ Mildred carried on, hesitantly, reaching for the other saucepan and spooning scrambled eggs alongside the bacon, ‘With today being – with you having your first…’

The woman trailed off. Gwendolyn didn’t miss the slight tremble present in her hands as she finished plating up her breakfast. She also didn’t miss the way she tried to hide this slight tremble by brushing her hands together, then turning back towards the stove.

‘Well, lucky me,’ Gwendolyn murmured, lips quirking into a smirk. She walked forward, arms unfolding as she stepped right up behind Mildred, who was busying herself with stacking the dirty pans in the sink. She ran her right hand up the woman’s back, bringing it to her left shoulder and squeezing gently. Mildred let a breath out, turning the tap on and watching the sink fill with hot water.

‘I can do that,’ Gwendolyn offered, reaching for the pot of baking soda she kept on the windowsill.

‘You can eat the breakfast-in-bed I made for you,’ Mildred countered, a blush creeping into her cheeks. She smiled though, turning to look at Gwendolyn, who reached to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. When the older woman rested her hand along her jawbone, she leaned into it, bringing her own hand up to cover it.

‘Thank you,’ Gwendolyn said, moving to close the gap between them and press a gentle, chaste kiss to Mildred’s lips.

When they pulled away, Mildred smiled, and it was _so_ nearly the smile Gwendolyn had grown to love and to crave, where her nose crinkled up a little and her eyes sparkled. But this time, the expression didn’t quite reach her eyes; instead, it floundered somewhere around her cheeks and faded away in defeat.

‘Have you eaten?’ Gwendolyn asked, keeping her hand on Mildred’s cheek, thumb running gently back and forth.

‘Not yet,’ the woman admitted.

Gwendolyn pursed her lips.

‘I will,’ Mildred assured her, pressing a hand against the top of Gwendolyn’s chest for emphasis, ‘Now, _you_ eat, before it goes cold.’

Gwendolyn raised her eyebrows, but did as she was told, sitting down in the chair and picking up her knife and fork. She felt Mildred squeeze her shoulder gently as she moved around behind her, fetching her own plate and walking over to get the bread out of the breadbox. Gwendolyn cut up the rashers of bacon, spearing them onto her fork and spooning the eggs over the top. She didn’t realize how hungry she was before the first mouthful had passed her lips, and she barely noticed nor cared that the bacon was a little overdone, and the eggs a little dry. She thought, with a fond smile, that she couldn’t expect much culinary prowess from a woman whose favorite food was bologna.

‘It’s delicious,’ she called over to Mildred, who was busy toasting two slices of bread under the grill.

A few moments of relative silence followed, during which Gwendolyn finished her eggs and bacon, and Mildred finished toasting her bread. The two women sat together at the table then, in quiet companionship.

‘Would you like me to drive you?’ Mildred offered, spreading a thin layer of butter over each slice of toast.

‘Don’t you have to work?’ Gwendolyn replied. She picked up her mug of coffee in two hands and sipped, peering at Mildred over the rim.

‘I took the day off.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘So, would you like me to drive you?’ Mildred asked again, before biting into one slice of toast, delicately flicking away a couple of errant crumbs from the corner of her mouth with one index finger.

‘Well, that would be lovely, thank you,’ Gwendolyn accepted, watching as the other woman munched her way through her breakfast.

She looked at how her shoulders hunched, at how she seemed rather too interested in her toast, inspecting each slice before she bit into it. Gwendolyn felt a little knot of worry tie itself into her gut, alongside the anxiety she already felt about her first appointment.

‘Mildred, darling, are you alright?’ she asked gently, reaching her hand across the table, fingers resting just inches from the woman’s plate.

The younger woman nodded, but said nothing (although Gwendolyn could safely attribute this to the fact that she had a mouthful of toast, rather than anything else).

Gwendolyn turned her hand over, palm up, in offering. Mildred considered it for a few moments, then placed her free hand on top of it with a small sigh. She still said nothing, however, and still flatly refused to meet Gwendolyn in the eye.

‘Mildred,’ the woman pressed, running her thumb over the skin of the hand she held, ‘You can conceal your feelings with everyone else, but you cannot with me. Not anymore.’

Mildred chewed on her last mouthful of toast and swallowed thickly. She fidgeted, looking everywhere but at Gwendolyn, poking crumbs around her plate with her free hand.

‘Are you worried about today?’ Gwendolyn guessed.

A small nod was her answer.

‘Well, I appreciate that. But, Mildred, I -’ Gwendolyn sighed as she considered her words, ‘Worrying about it isn’t going to change what will or won’t happen.’

‘I know,’ Mildred accepted in a voice so small, so timid, that it broke Gwendolyn’s heart.

‘You’ve done so much, Mildred. You’ve done so much research. I know that I’m in the best possible place I could be right now,’ she said, leaning further across the table, tilting her head, silently imploring the other woman to just _look_ at her, ‘And… I really don’t know how all this will wash out, but -’

She cut herself off before finishing the sentence, for Mildred had started to cry.

‘Hey, hey,’ Gwendolyn soothed, getting up from her chair and stepping to Mildred’s side in an instant. She crouched down, reaching up to place a hand on either side of the woman’s face and gently coax her tears away with her thumbs.

‘What if - it wasn’t - _enough_?’ Mildred asked her, her lower lip wobbling as she sniffed hard, placing one hand on each of Gwendolyn’s elbows.

Gwendolyn shushed her gently, opening her arms for the woman to fall against her. And she held her, feeling her tremble as she clung to her, rubbing a gentle hand back and forth across her shoulders and cooing soft sympathies into her ear.

‘You’ve done enough, Mildred,’ she said, firmly, ‘ _More_ than.’

She couldn’t deny the relief she felt when Mildred didn’t argue.

They held each other like that for a few moments, until Mildred had calmed a little. Gwendolyn eyed the clock facing her on the wall, groaning inwardly as she worked out that she had less than an hour before her appointment.

‘Come on,’ she said, patting Mildred’s back before easing her arms from around her, allowing her to get to her feet, ‘We need to get ready.’

‘But, the dishes -’

‘We’ll do them later.’

Gwendolyn reached out her hand for Mildred to take it and stand up from her seat, then the pair of them walked through to the hallway to ascend the stairs. They got dressed together quietly, in a tentative silence. Gwendolyn allowed Mildred to pin her hair for her; the woman seemed set on doing everything for her today, and she wanted to avoid another upset (and, truthfully, Mildred was rather better at it than she was).

The drive to the doctor’s was also quiet, contemplative, for both women. Mildred kept her eyes on the road, gloved hands wrapped so tightly around the steering wheel that Gwendolyn almost expect her knuckles to burst through the material. She kept her own hands in her lap, clasped loosely together, and turned her attention to the rolling suburban landscapes through her window.

When they pulled up in the small parking lot outside the surgery, Mildred killed the engine and looked at the building in trepidation. She sniffed, brushing the end of her nose with the knuckle of her first finger.

‘Okay,’ Gwendolyn said, more to herself than to Mildred, as she picked up her purse from where she’d stashed it by her feet, ‘Here we are.’

Mildred watched her as she readied herself, as she took a breath and moved to open her door. But Gwendolyn paused, hand resting on the handle, thumbnail scratching back and forth over the leather.

‘Mildred, could -’ she hedged.

She glanced over at the woman, who was looking back at her, eyes wide and glassy.

‘Could you come with me?’ Gwendolyn asked, softly.

Mildred blinked at her, before nodding. She nodded vigorously, in fact, taking the keys out of the ignition and reaching to the back seat to fetch her purse.

‘Yes. Yes, of course I will,’ she said, reaching across to find Gwendolyn’s other hand and squeeze it.

The two women got out of the car then, and once Mildred had locked the doors, they began to walk towards the surgery. Gwendolyn looked down at her companion’s hand, aching with the need to reach out and hold it, to intertwine their fingers like they did inside, in the privacy of their home. But outside was different, colder and crueler, and she couldn’t risk it. So, her hand stayed by her side, fingertips twitching uselessly as they reached the doorway.

Mildred pulled the door open and held it for Gwendolyn to step through. As Gwendolyn walked through into the waiting room of the surgery, she felt the gentle, fleeting press of Mildred’s hand against the small of her back. And that soft touch somehow granted her the resolve she needed to step up to the reception desk and confirm her appointment.

The two women sat down then, in a pair of chairs by the window, with their knees pressing lightly against one another as they kept their hands in their laps, and waited. Together.


	4. I Think You're Just Like Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ahem*
> 
> I hope this chapter makes up for the previous one, is what i will say.
> 
> tags: brief mentions of cancer & treatment at the start, and... bath shenanigans (incredibly incredibly NSFW bath shenanigans)
> 
> P.S. I reference the song "Again", as sung by Doris Day, several times in this chapter. Highly suggest you give it a listen if you don't know it, it is GORGEOUS and really reminds me of our girls.
> 
> Here are the lyrics:  
> Again, this couldn't happen again  
> This is that once in a lifetime  
> This is the thrill divine  
> What's more, this never happened before  
> Though I have prayed for a lifetime  
> That such as you would suddenly be mine  
> Mine to hold as I'm holding you now and yet never so near  
> Mine to have when the now and the here disappear  
> What matters, dear, for when  
> This doesn't happen again  
> We'll have this moment forever  
> But never, never, again  
> We'll have this moment forever  
> But never, never, again

When Gwendolyn stumbled through her front door the following week, two chemotherapy appointments down and feeling sick as anything, she dropped her bag to the floor and damn near dropped herself to the floor alongside it. She pressed her back against the door, head flopping back against the glass as she took several deep breaths. She had had to drive herself today, for Mildred was needed at the hospital, and the concentration required to safely manoeuvre a moving vehicle had sapped her remaining energy from her as if she was a wet washcloth and someone had wrung her out; her bones and muscles ached so much she may as well have been.

Swallowing, she picked up her bag and walked through to the living room. A swift glance at her wristwatch told her that Mildred would be home in twenty-seven minutes. She sighed, feeling a little better from the thought of that alone, then kicked off her shoes and tucked them under the armchair by the window. Then, she padded through to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water.

She stood by the sink a while to look out of the window, sipping her water slowly so as not to unsettle her stomach too much. The sky was overcast today, casting the garden in a grey gloom. Gwendolyn sniffed, finishing the rest of her water before rinsing the glass out and placing it upside-down on the draining board. Then, she walked back through to the living room, switched on the wireless, and plonked herself down on the sofa. She leant back against the cushions, sticking her feet out in front of her, and found she couldn’t summon the energy even to keep her eyes open.

So she sat, slumped, one ankle crossed over the other and fingers linked together over her stomach, as the mellow tones of Doris Day sang out from the radio. She shifted her shoulders a little, getting more comfortable, tuning into the lyrics.

_This is that once in a lifetime_

_This is the thrill divine_

Gwendolyn smiled, feeling her breathing slow down. She listened to the song, let it run over her like a warm breeze, and she thought of Mildred.

_Mine to hold as I’m holding you now and yet never so near_

_Mine to have when the now and the here disappear_

Gentle images flickered in her mind’s eye like a movie, of the two of them: stood wrapped in each other, rocking slowly from foot to foot in time to the lilt of the song. Just stood, holding each other, nothing more. She took a breath, letting it out slowly, feeling herself sink further into the sofa cushions.

_We’ll have this moment forever_

_But never, never, again_

She didn’t realize she’d dozed off until the sound of the front door opening and shutting startled her back into full consciousness. She blinked several times, rubbing her knuckles into her eyes and heaving herself up into a more vertical position. She was not, by nature, a napper, and she did not wish to heighten Mildred’s anxieties by being discovered sprawled out and snoozing on the couch. She sat up straighter, fought a yawn, and reached for the newspaper on the coffee table in front of her.

‘Gwendolyn?’ came Mildred’s greeting from the hallway.

‘In here,’ the woman replied, widening her eyes a little as she scanned the front page of the paper; her vision was still a little bleary. She looked up when Mildred walked into the room, smiled at her anxious expression, and held out a hand to her.

‘How are you feeling?’ Mildred asked, taking the offered hand in both of her own and stepping to Gwendolyn’s side.

‘Mostly tired, and a little queasy,’ Gwendolyn answered, rubbing her thumb back and forth over Mildred’s skin.

‘Could you eat something, do you think? I stopped by the grocers on the way home and picked up some soup.’

‘A little soup would be lovely, thank you.’

Mildred nodded, letting go of Gwendolyn’s hand and stepping back out into the hallway to fetch the paper bag of groceries. She walked through to the kitchen, and Gwendolyn heaved herself off the sofa to follow her, running a hand over the back of her neck.

‘How was your day?’ she asked when the pair of them had reached the kitchen. She sat in one of the chairs and leant both elbows on the table, propping her chin on her clenched fists.

‘Oh, it was alright,’ Mildred replied, producing a can of Campbell’s vegetable soup from the bag, ‘Tiring. One of the patients had a rather unpleasant episode and it took four of us to restrain him.’

‘Heavens.’

Mildred pursed her lips in agreement as she cranked open the soup can and poured its contents into a saucepan on the stove. She plucked a wooden spoon out of one of the drawers and stirred, and Gwendolyn felt her heart swell to twice its normal size as she watched her.

After a few minutes, the soup was spurting and bubbling, and Mildred quickly turned off the gas. She fetched two bowls from the cupboard and set them down at the table, then poured equal amounts of steaming soup into each of them. She then fetched two spoons, and finally, sat herself down in the chair across from Gwendolyn.

Gwendolyn carefully worked her way through her soup, sipping slowly so as not to bring on any more waves of nausea. She fought a yawn.

‘Are you alright?’ Mildred asked, her spoon hovered in mid-air.

‘Yes,’ Gwendolyn replied, giving her what she hoped was a reassuring smile, ‘I’m just tired.’

The younger woman nodded, thoughtfully, dipping her spoon back into her bowl.

‘How about I run you a bath?’ she suggested.

Gwendolyn swallowed an approximate thimbleful of soup and nodded.

‘That would be lovely.’

They finished their soup quietly, the soft chink of spoon against china the only sound. Then, Mildred instructed Gwendolyn to go upstairs and get out of her clothes, leaving her to wash the dishes. Gwendolyn did as she was asked, but not before kissing Mildred square on the mouth.

* * *

In the en-suite, Mildred filled the tub, pouring in bath oils and lavender salts, swirling her hand through the warm water to encourage the bubbles. Before too long, the air in the bathroom hung with a heady floral scent, and any glass surface in the room was clouded with steam.

‘Oh, that looks inviting,’ Gwendolyn breathed as she walked into the room, wrapped in a toweling robe and running a hand through her lose hair. Mildred unfolded herself into a standing position, nodding towards the woman with an uncertain smile.

‘It should be hot enough,’ she murmured, leaning over to turn the taps off.

She felt a gentle hand run down her back and settle at the bottom of it. She shivered, leaning slightly into Gwendolyn’s touch. Then, she turned to the woman, who looked back at her with a pinkish tinge to her cheeks. Mildred let her eyes flick down to the woman’s lips, noting how she was worrying the bottom one ever so slightly between her teeth.

‘Would you care to join me?’ Gwendolyn asked, bringing her hand up again to run it down Mildred’s arm, settling it at her elbow. She brought her other hand up to the collar of Mildred’s blouse, toying a little with the material between her thumb and forefinger.

Mildred, feeling butterflies suddenly spring to life in her stomach, cast an incredulous look at the bathtub.

‘Join you in the bath?’

‘If you’d like.’

‘Is there _room_?’

Gwendolyn chuckled, warm relief spreading through her chest at the thought that this was Mildred’s only trepidation with the proposal.

‘Oh, there’s definitely room,’ she murmured, stepping a little closer to Mildred, but not too close. She was still wary of scaring her, of pushing her too far.

Mildred looked at her again, and Gwendolyn didn’t miss the way her eyes flicked down to the exposed skin of her neck and décolletage. With one last uncertain look at the bathtub, she nodded briskly. She ran both hands down each of Gwendolyn’s upper arms and gently held her elbows.

‘Alright. You get in. I’ll be in in a minute.’

‘Okay.’

They shared a quick kiss, before Mildred scurried out of the room and into the bedroom. Gwendolyn bit her lip against a grin, before untying her bathrobe and dropping the garment to the floor. Then, she dipped one foot slowly into the water. The temperature was perfect, and she quickly joined one foot with the other and lowered herself in, gripping the handles on either side of the tub as she sat down. She leaned back against one end of the bath, feeling the warm water lap at her and bubbles kiss her skin. She let out a blissful sigh, settling down and closing her eyes.

She opened them again, however, at the sound of Mildred re-entering the room. She turned her head to look at her; she was primly wrapped in her satin robe, hair unpinned and loose about her shoulders.

‘Scoot forward, I’ll get in behind you,’ Mildred said, beginning to fiddle with the tie of her bathrobe.

Gwendolyn did as she asked, before leaning one elbow on the side of the bathtub and propping her chin on her open hand. She looked at Mildred, grinning, and Mildred looked back at her.

‘Could you – could you look away?’ Mildred asked, a flush creeping across her cheeks and down her neck.

Gwendolyn chuckled, but turned her head away.

‘Dearest, you realise I’ve seen you undressed several times now?’ she said to the wall tiles, listening for the muffled sound of Mildred’s bathrobe dropping to the floor, ‘And I assure you, you’ve nothing to feel self-conscious of.’

‘This is different,’ Mildred disputed, carefully sliding into the bath behind Gwendolyn.

‘In what way?’

‘Well -’ Mildred sighed as she fidgeted, slotting her legs on either side of Gwendolyn’s hips, and being careful not to scratch her with her toenails beneath the water, ‘We’re not about to… make love now, are we?’

The younger woman began combing through Gwendolyn’s hair with her fingertips. The older woman considered the question and shrugged, allowing herself a smirk knowing that her expression was hidden. She placed a hand on either one of Mildred’s knees, gently squeezing and then trailing her fingers upwards, teasing with the very tips of her nails.

‘We’re not, are we?’ Mildred asked again, her fingers pausing their detangling of Gwendolyn’s hair. Her voice was gentle, uncertain. Gwendolyn couldn’t quite tell if she was simply requesting clarity or rejecting the idea outright. Mildred resumed her combing, sweeping every one of Gwendolyn’s curls back over her shoulders.

‘If you keep playing with my hair like that, it might be on the cards,’ Gwendolyn said on a sigh, leaning her head back and closing her eyes.

She felt Mildred’s hands come to a rest on her shoulders. Worried that she’d gone one tease too far, she reached up and placed one reassuring hand over Mildred’s.

‘Darling, I’m sorry. I’m joking. We don’t have to do anything. Well, anything except bathe,’ she laughed, before continuing more sincerely, ‘I’m sorry for teasing.’

‘No, no, it’s – it’s okay,’ Mildred murmured in response, squeezing Gwendolyn’s shoulders. She reached for the washcloth they kept draped over the side of the tub, and soaked it in the bathwater.

Gwendolyn sighed in contentment as Mildred slowly ran the warm washcloth over the back of her shoulders and down each of her arms. She rested her forearms on each of the woman’s knees, curving her spine forward a little to give her easier access. She closed her eyes, focusing on the feeling of Mildred’s gentle attentions, smiling a little when the washcloth ventured over her shoulders and along the front of her chest.

After a while, satisfied with her work, Mildred wrung out the washcloth and let it hang back over the side of the tub.

‘Shall I wash your hair for you?’ she offered.

‘That would be lovely, thank you.’

Mildred nodded, reaching over the side of the tub for the plastic jug they kept on the floor. She dipped it into the water and watched as it filled.

‘I like it, sometimes,’ she said thoughtfully, lifting the now-full jug up towards Gwendolyn’s head.

‘You like what, sweetness?’

‘I like it when you tease me.’

‘Oh,’ Gwendolyn said, lip curling, ‘Is that so?’

Mildred gave an affirmative hum before saying quietly, ‘You might have to move a little nearer.’

Gwendolyn nodded, shuffling back a little, more snugly between Mildred’s legs. A pleasant tension tightened in the younger woman’s stomach as Gwendolyn settled between her thighs, and she reached up to cup one hand over her forehead, gently tilting her head back.

She slowly poured the water over the woman’s hair, watching it cascade through golden locks and tumble back into the bath below. She repeated this several times, poking her chin over Gwendolyn’s shoulder to inspect her head from every angle, ensuring her hair was sufficiently wet. The older woman’s eyes were closed again, a satisfied smile teasing at her lips.

Mildred reached for the bottle of shampoo and squeezed some into her hands, lathering it between her palms for a moment before gently running it through Gwendolyn’s hair. She was as gentle as possible, taking care not to tug for fear of putting undue pressure on her scalp. She pressed lightly with her fingertips, massaging the solution into the roots until it foamed up and the scent of roses filled her nostrils.

‘How’s that?’ she asked, carefully smoothing the shampoo down to the ends of Gwendolyn’s hair between her thumbs and forefingers.

‘Heaven,’ Gwendolyn said in response, finishing her sentence with a satisfied hum.

‘No, just me,’ Mildred disputed, but grinned all the same, stomach fluttering pleasantly at the praise. She reached for the jug again, filled it with water, then slowly rinsed the shampoo out of Gwendolyn’s hair. She cupped her hand over her forehead again, taking extra care not to inadvertently get any of the soap in her eyes. Once she was sure she had got all of it out, she gently combed her fingertips through the wet strands until they squeaked. Then, she reached for the bottle of conditioner and squeezed a little into her hands. She worked it through the hair from the middle to the tips, before again rinsing it out.

‘There,’ she said softly, twisting the hair into a rope and laying it over Gwendolyn’s shoulder.

‘Thank you, darling,’ the woman murmured, rolling her shoulders back.

Mildred, without really thinking about it, leaned forward to press a kiss against the back of Gwendolyn’s neck, just below her hairline. Gwendolyn hummed happily in response, reaching backwards for Mildred’s hands and tugging them round her, wrapping herself in her arms. Mildred hesitated for only a moment before pressing herself fully against Gwendolyn’s back, nuzzling her right shoulder with her nose before resting her chin on it.

‘This is nice,’ Gwendolyn murmured, sighing. She stroked her thumbs back and forth over the back of Mildred’s hands.

‘How are you feeling now?’ Mildred said into the woman’s neck, lips so close to her that they brushed her skin with every consonant. She didn’t miss the way Gwendolyn shivered a little in her arms.

‘I feel fantastic,’ Gwendolyn whispered, grinning.

Mildred hummed a laugh and pressed a slow kiss to the side of the woman’s neck. She was unsure of where this new boldness had sprung from; whether it was an expected result of the trust they had established between them now, or simply because Gwendolyn had her back to her, she couldn’t be sure, but she pressed her hands flat and sure over the woman’s skin. Her left hand rested to the side of Gwendolyn’s stomach, and her right crossed over it and rested slightly higher, along the left side of her ribcage.

‘Is this okay?’ she murmured, her right thumb tracing tenderly back and forth over the underside of Gwendolyn’s left breast. The skin beneath her fingertips was warm and damp with steam; she moved her fingers a little, feeling the skin where it puckered around the scar left by the bullet wound.

‘Yes,’ Gwendolyn replied, breath hitching in her throat.

Mildred kissed her shoulder again, moving her right hand slowly across Gwendolyn’s middle. She settled it along the underside of her right breast, tentatively, still unsure of how far she should go. Gwendolyn made no moves to stop her, however. She gave no indication that she was uncomfortable; in fact, if anything, she was even more pliant in Mildred’s arms, relaxing against her chest.

‘Is _this_ okay?’ Mildred asked again, taking a breath, adjusting her hand slightly and stretching her thumb up. She brushed the digit slowly, gently, lovingly, over Gwendolyn’s nipple, gasping as it immediately stiffened under her touch.

‘Mm-hmm,’ Gwendolyn hummed, the sound resonating low in her throat. Mildred felt her arch ever so slightly into her hand, and bit her lip.

The younger woman turned her head, pressing a kiss to the soft skin just behind the older woman’s ear. She breathed in through her nose, the scent of roses making her warm. Gwendolyn’s head was flopped back against her shoulder, her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open. Mildred moved her hand to tenderly cup the woman’s breast, caressing the smooth skin beneath gentle fingertips before squeezing ever so lightly. She snuck another look at Gwendolyn, and saw that her eyes were still closed, but her bottom lip was now held gently between her teeth.

Mildred moved her hand lower, trailing her fingers down Gwendolyn’s sternum, and lower, moving down the centre of her stomach. She took another breath in, kissing Gwendolyn behind her ear again as she dipped her hand below the surface of the warm water.

‘Okay?’ she checked in again, running featherlight touches across Gwendolyn’s lower abdomen. She moved her left arm, looping it under Gwendolyn’s own left arm to place her hand over the front of her shoulder.

‘ _Now_ who’s teasing?’ Gwendolyn muttered, fidgeting in impatient anticipation.

Mildred huffed a laugh, moving her head again so she could brush her lips over the shell of Gwendolyn’s ear.

‘Let me make you feel good?’ she whispered, shifting her hand towards the “v” between Gwendolyn’s hipbones, and lower, fingers slowly combing through soft, kelp-like hair.

Gwendolyn nodded, the tiniest whimper erupting from somewhere in her throat. At her whispered _please-please-please_ , Mildred nodded, parting her gently with her index finger.

When she finally brushed over that little nub, firm as a pearl beneath her touch, Gwendolyn inhaled sharply and shakily before moaning on the exhale, turning her face so it pressed into the side of Mildred’s head. Mildred bit her lip, working her finger in small, quick circles, just the way she had learned Gwendolyn liked it. Her other hand shifted, fingertips trailing across the woman’s breastbone and back again, avoiding the breast itself. She knew where the lump was – Gwendolyn had shown her one night in bed – and had no wish to go anywhere near it. It would be painful for the both of them.

She pressed another kiss to Gwendolyn’s shoulder, then to her neck, then her jawbone, finally bringing her left hand to stillness across the woman’s chest while her right worked almost feverishly between her thighs. Gwendolyn turned her head again, seeking out Mildred’s lips with her own and kissing her. Her face screwed up a little, in that expression of agonized pleasure, and she let forth a delectable mantra of little moans and gasps.

‘F-faster, please. Faster.’

Mildred nodded, and did as she was asked. The water sloshed around her right wrist as she moved her hand more quickly. Gwendolyn’s hands started scrabbling, one clamping over the hand that was pressed over her chest, and the other reaching back over her shoulder to wrap around the back of Mildred’s neck, pulling her closer. Mildred peppered slow, deliberate kisses up and down the side of Gwendolyn’s neck. Then, she grazed her teeth lightly over the woman’s pulse point, pressing her right index finger more firmly against that magic little bundle at the apex of her thighs.

Gwendolyn took several shuddering breaths, mouth hanging open as her eyelids fluttered. Her back arched, head flopping further back against Mildred’s shoulder. Her hips bucked upwards, and Mildred rubbed yet faster, her wrist beginning to ache. But when a strangled cry erupted from the back of Gwendolyn’s throat, she knew she’d done it.

She gradually slowed down the movements of her finger, holding the woman tightly as she trembled against her, her breath stuttering in her throat. Eventually, Gwendolyn reached down into the water and closed her hand around Mildred’s wrist, signaling that she could handle no more. Mildred stopped immediately, bringing her hand up to rest on Gwendolyn’s stomach. She was quiet, choosing only to listen to the woman’s soft pants, as well as her own heartbeat, thundering in her chest.

‘Oh, Mildred,’ Gwendolyn murmured once she’d caught her breath, swallowing thickly.

‘Are you okay?’ Mildred asked.

The older woman chuckled, turning her head to look at her fondly.

‘I’m in seventh heaven,’ she said, totally sincerely, ‘You’re getting rather too good at that.’

Mildred grinned, kissing her.

‘You should take some credit,’ she murmured, almost shyly, ‘I learned it all from you.’

Gwendolyn moved her hands to grip the side of the bathtub, lifting herself to a crouching position so she could swivel round to face Mildred properly. And Mildred reclined against the end of the bathtub, reaching for her with both arms and feeling no inhibitions about her nakedness now. Gwendolyn crawled towards her, slotting one knee between her thighs and wrapping both hands over her hips. She leaned forward to kiss her, deeply, gliding one hand slowly up her side.

‘I love you,’ she murmured against her lips.

‘I love you too, but -’

‘But?’

Gwendolyn halted her caressing of Mildred’s side, pulling back to look at her. Mildred fidgeted.

‘The water’s gone cold, could we get out?’ the younger woman mumbled, shivering as if to prove her point.

The older woman chuckled, kissing her quickly before leaning off of her. She stood up and clambered out of the tub, holding her hands out for Mildred to take them and get out after her. They dried themselves with towels, giggling at one another, before scampering back into the bedroom.

Gwendolyn all but threw Mildred onto the bed, clambering on after her and crawling over her. She kissed her all over, worshipped her, listened to her little coos of encouragement as she gradually moved down her body. And, with her breath hot and heavy, before she pressed the first kiss between Mildred’s trembling thighs, Gwendolyn thought of that song she’d listened to earlier, the lyrics echoing through her mind like whispers: _we’ll have this moment forever, but never, never, again_.


	5. I'm Right Here, Beside You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is... a lot. (to the point where I've made the decision to up the rating. So do bear that in mind)
> 
> A warning that there are brief mentions of chemo side effects (very very brief) in this chapter, but otherwise, decidedly adult content awaits.
> 
> I also reference Shakespeare's sonnets 116 and 130 in this chapter because in my mind Gwendolyn loves Shakespeare and that is my headcanon and I love it.
> 
> I've rambled on far too long, so here it is: the final chapter. *runs and hides*

The following week saw the two women reclining on the sofa one evening, sipping mugs of milky tea. Gwendolyn sat side-on, feet propped up against the arm of the sofa and back propped up against Mildred’s shoulder. She held her tea in one hand and an open book of Shakespeare’s sonnets in the other, reading the printed words on the page with heavily-lidded eyes.

‘Oh, this is a good one,’ she said, fighting a yawn as she smoothed down the page with her thumb, ‘“Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove.”’

Mildred smiled fondly, tilting her head to rest her cheek against Gwendolyn’s hair as she read to her. She could not sincerely claim to understand all the words, and truthfully, she had almost been reluctant to hear the sonnets at all; she was averse to, even afraid of, things she did not completely comprehend. It often brought painfully home the feelings of inadequacy about her lack of education, her lack of exposure to literature, or art, or any cultural endeavors one could consider as life’s pleasures. But the sound of Gwendolyn’s voice bending softly around each word and phrase was almost like music, soothing as it was. And hearing her read aloud, flicking contentedly through the pages as she shared each little ode with her, almost made her stop thinking about how pale and weary the woman had become.

‘“Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom,”’ Gwendolyn continued, ‘If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.”’

‘That’s lovely,’ Mildred replied, turning her head slightly to press a kiss to the woman’s hair.

‘I’ve never read a better description of love,’ Gwendolyn sighed.

‘Wandering bark?’ the younger woman mused, peering over the older woman’s shoulder to look at the page.

‘A lost ship.’

‘Oh.’

‘It’s a metaphor,’ Gwendolyn explained, leaning her head back against Mildred’s shoulder, ‘He’s saying that love is like a guiding light for ships lost at sea.’

Mildred nodded, frowning in concentration. She thought of the darkness she had experienced in her life before Gwendolyn, darkness she had had inflicted on her and, in turn, had inflicted on others. With nothing driving her forward but the almost primitive need to find her brother again, to try and retroactively protect him from all the world’s evils, she had spared no thought nor energy for anything else. And once she had had to admit to herself that she was simply too late, that she had taken too long, that darkness had pierced Edmund’s once-pure soul and blackened his heart, she had lost direction. It was as if she was treading water, no clear route forward and certainly none backward. But Gwendolyn had arrived then, had taken Mildred by the hand and helped her push toward dry land. If Mildred was a lost ship, then Gwendolyn was a lighthouse.

She felt the older woman shift position as she swallowed the dregs of her tea and placed the mug on the small table in front of the sofa. When she sat back again, snuggling further down against Mildred’s upper arm, she absently scratched the back of her hand with one fingernail.

‘You shouldn’t do that,’ Mildred admonished softly, ‘You’ll make it sore.’

Gwendolyn glanced down at her hand, at the faint red marks left behind by her itching, and she sighed.

‘Sorry. I don’t realize I’m doing it sometimes.’

‘Would a bath help?’

Gwendolyn chuckled deep in her chest.

‘I’m not sure I could handle another one of your baths right now,’ she said, and Mildred could almost _hear_ her smirking.

The younger woman’s lips flickered into a rather bashful smile as she finished the rest of her tea.

‘Well, I won’t join you this time, if you’d prefer,’ she offered, leaning forward to place her mug on the table, next to Gwendolyn’s, ‘I really think it would help soothe you.’

The other woman let out a hum of acquiescence, slowly heaving herself off of the sofa and standing up. She snapped the book of sonnets closed with one hand and held the other out to Mildred, who took it and stood up with her.

‘You’re taking such good care of me,’ Gwendolyn said, tugging Mildred closer towards her so she could run the back of her hand down her cheek.

The nurse shrugged, face leaning into the woman’s touch as her cheeks flushed and a small smile teased at her lips.

‘It’s the least I can do,’ she said.

Gwendolyn smiled at her, head tilting as she waited for Mildred to elaborate.

‘It’s the least I can do, after what you’ve done for me,’ the younger woman finished.

It was such a simple admission, though heartfelt, and Mildred almost wished she could harness some of Shakespeare’s flair for vivid imagery and poetic language. She felt like words were inadequate in describing the love she felt for Gwendolyn, with her vocabulary as unexceptional as it was, so she guessed she had decided she would show it instead.

‘I love you, you know,’ she said now, voice trembling as she looked deep into the older woman’s eyes. She sniffed and lifted her shoulders.

‘I know,’ Gwendolyn replied, softly, pulling Mildred into a hug.

* * *

With Gwendolyn safely in the bath, still reading through her sonnets in quiet contentment, Mildred got ready for bed. She unpinned her hair at the vanity, combed it through until it was sleek and free of tangles, then got undressed and into her nightclothes. She hopped into bed, tugging the sheets over herself, propping herself up against the pillows, and listening to the soft sounds of Gwendolyn muttering to herself in the en-suite as she read aloud. Then, knowing she had a few minutes to herself, she leaned across to the nightstand on her side of the bed, pulled the drawer out, and retrieved the notebook she had stashed there.

It wasn’t that she was keeping this from Gwendolyn; she _was_ going to tell her. When the time was right. She flicked through the pages of notes she’d made from the veritable mountains of medical journals she had been steadily working through. Settling on the most recent page, she scanned over her rushed handwriting. She drew circles around some of the words: mistletoe, remission. She underlined some of the names and addresses she had sourced, trying to commit them to memory. At the bottom of the page, she had written: _Mexico?_

There was so much possibility in that one word: a sort of glowing, vibrating hopefulness which Mildred had barely allowed herself to feel. With the fate of her brother settled (cruel, but settled) this idea of hers had taken stronger root within her. It had moved from a passing thought to a thought-out plan, and Mildred tapped her pen against the page as various courses of action buzzed through her busy brain like bees. Nibbling on the corner of her lower lip, she drew a firm box around “Mexico”, inadvertently striking through the question mark completely.

‘My mistresses’ eyes are nothing like the sun,’ came Gwendolyn’s voice from the open doorway of the en-suite, where she stood wrapped in her bathrobe, holding her book aloft as if giving a dramatic monologue.

Mildred flinched, quickly putting her notebook back in her nightstand before Gwendolyn could see it. She sat back against the pillows, stretching her legs out in front of her beneath the covers, watching the woman in amusement as she practically sashayed towards her.

‘Coral is far more red than her lips red,’ the older woman continued, ‘If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun.’

Gwendolyn looked at Mildred then, or rather, she looked pointedly at her chest. She shrugged, tilting her head as if deep in thought. Mildred couldn’t help but giggle, and scoff, pretending to be affronted.

‘If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head,’ continued the recital, as Gwendolyn lifted one knee onto the end of the bed, then the other.

‘But I’ve got red hair,’ Mildred disputed, chuckling at the sight of Gwendolyn shuffling towards her on her knees.

‘Shh, I haven’t finished,’ Gwendolyn admonished in a whisper, reaching to press an index finger to Mildred’s lips, before continuing, ‘I have seen roses damask’d, red and white, but no such roses see I in her cheeks.’

Gwendolyn peeled back the sheets currently covering Mildred. Then, she planted her left knee to the side of the younger woman’s right thigh, swinging her other over to settle it at the side of her left. She wriggled a little in Mildred’s lap, getting comfortable, and Mildred felt her mouth suddenly dry up. Gwendolyn stroked a finger down her cheek, lip curling, before returning her attention to the sonnet.

‘And in some perfumes is there more delight than in the breath that from my mistress reeks,’ Gwendolyn went on, voice lower now, lifting Mildred’s chin slightly with one knuckle, ‘I love to hear her speak, yet well I know that music hath a far more pleasing sound. I grant I never saw a goddess go; my mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.’

Mildred giggled, a curious mixture of amusement and affection stirring in her belly. When Gwendolyn placed her free hand on her shoulder, cool against her bare skin, she took a quick, sharp breath in.

‘This is the strangest love poem I’ve ever heard,’ she said hoarsely, biting her lip against a grin.

‘And yet, by heaven,’ Gwendolyn said, holding one index finger up to quieten her, ‘I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare.’

‘Thank you?’ Mildred said in amused uncertainty, once she was sure Gwendolyn had finished.

The older woman smiled down at her, gaze flicking down to her lips and back to her eyes in that sultry way Mildred loved. She shut the book, leaning away from her to place it on the nightstand on the opposite side of the bed. Then, she settled herself once more in her lap, bringing her arms up to loop them loosely around her neck.

‘It’s my favorite,’ she whispered.

‘Is that so?’ Mildred murmured.

Gwendolyn hummed an affirmation, pushing her pelvis forward as she inched further up Mildred’s thighs. Mildred brought her hands to her waist, helping to guide her down again when she was hovering above her hips. When Gwendolyn settled down again, her knees were snugly pressed against either side of Mildred’s lower torso. Mildred ran her hands over the woman’s hip bones, then shifted them up her sides, inwardly grumbling at the friction created by her bathrobe.

When Gwendolyn tilted her chin up again, cupping it softly between her thumb and forefinger, Mildred exercised no restraint in closing the gap. They kissed slowly, gently, warm breaths mingling. Mildred moved her hands up Gwendolyn’s back, fingertips pressing lightly into the fleecy material of her bathrobe. The woman pulled away from her lips when she could no longer fight the need to breathe.

‘Well, you seem to have perked up a bit,’ Mildred sighed, her fingertips tensing and un-tensing against Gwendolyn’s waist.

‘Mm-hmm,’ the other woman agreed, ‘I feel much better now.’

They kissed once more, slowly. Then Gwendolyn pulled away again, smirking at the tiny whimper escaping from Mildred’s throat as she chased her. She studied her face, eyes crinkling as she grinned and bit her lip.

‘You’re so beautiful like this,’ she said, voice low. She twirled a lock of Mildred’s hair between her fingers, looking at it thoughtfully.

‘W-with my hair down?’ Mildred asked, hardly breathing.

‘Underneath me,’ Gwendolyn clarified with a smirk, ‘But I do love your hair down.’

Mildred’s lips formed an “oh”, but no sound came. Gwendolyn smiled, pressed a hand to Mildred’s chest, fingertips toying with the material of her nightgown. The younger woman shivered, arching a little into her touch, bottom lip slipping between her teeth.

They kissed each other again, harder this time. Mildred felt Gwendolyn grind down ever so slightly, hips rocking slowly against her, and she moaned faintly. When she felt the woman’s tongue nudging at her lips, she granted her entrance with a sigh. She felt hot, almost uncomfortably so, and her hands started scrabbling at Gwendolyn’s shoulders, fingers fumbling at the collar of her bathrobe. She tried in vain to tug the garment over her shoulders, finding it tied too tightly around her waist. Gwendolyn chuckled at her frustrated grumble.

‘Here, let me,’ she offered, leaning away from Mildred a few inches to slowly untie the knot. She shrugged the robe off, then, tugging it from underneath her and tossing it to the floor. Mildred barely waited a moment to take her in before she pulled her close, pressing insistent hands into her back, between her shoulder blades. She kissed her neck, lips dancing down the column of her throat and then across each of her collar bones. Gwendolyn’s hands gripped her shoulders, fingers flexing against her skin as she gave whispered encouragement. Her head fell forward, lips caressing Mildred’s shoulder. She brought a hand up to slide one finger underneath the strap of her nightdress, teasing it, dragging it ever so slowly down her shoulder, and kissing the newly exposed skin. Mildred shivered, pulling away from her to tug at her nightdress. It felt too tight, too constricting, a barrier between her skin and Gwendolyn’s.

The older woman nodded, getting off of Mildred’s lap to allow her to get onto her knees and pull the offending garment off over her head, throwing it to the floor. Gwendolyn crawled back towards her, wrapping one arm around her lower back and gently guiding her to lie down. When Mildred’s head sunk back into the pillows, Gwendolyn’s body pulled flush against her own and legs tangled together, she looked at the woman above her in trust and guided her head down to kiss her again.

‘I love you,’ Gwendolyn murmured against her lips, pressing little kisses to the corner of her mouth. She held herself up on her forearms, keen not to crush the other woman beneath her. But, at that moment, Mildred wanted that; she wanted the feeling of Gwendolyn’s weight against her, grounding and anchoring them in that moment. She wrapped her arms over the woman’s back, trying to pull her closer.

‘I love you,’ she whispered desperately, bending one leg so her foot was flat against the mattress, shifting position slightly and feeling warm wetness gather where their bodies joined at their pelvis.

Gwendolyn pressed their lips together again, then slowly moved down her body, trailing nibbling kisses down her neck. She placed a hand on either side of her breasts, pushing them together and making the resulting crevice between them the spot for a new flurry of kisses. Her thumbs grazed tenderly over each of her nipples, sending electricity crackling through her veins.

‘Gwen,’ she gasped, when the woman had reached her ribcage, fingertips pressing gently between the bones as they expanded and withdrew.

‘Mm?’ Gwendolyn hummed in response, trailing her tongue down the center of Mildred’s stomach. Mildred could have cried.

‘Please. Please-please-please.’

‘What do you need?’ the older woman asked gently, pressing a kiss to her left hipbone.

‘I need. I need-I need.’

‘Tell me,’ Gwendolyn urged, moving to kiss her right hipbone.

‘I need you to touch me,’ Mildred choked in a whisper, hands reaching down to grip the other woman’s shoulders.

‘I _am_ touching you,’ Gwendolyn murmured, voice thick with flirtation before she kissed the soft skin below Mildred’s belly button.

‘That’s not – that’s not what I _mean_ ,’ Mildred whimpered, hands moving to grip the bedsheets in her frustrated fists.

‘Patience, my darling girl,’ Gwendolyn whispered, sliding further down the bed until her head was just above where Mildred really wanted her, where she _ached_ for her almost painfully. Gwendolyn gently lifted the woman’s left leg, peppering kisses in a line down the inside of her thigh, stopping just at the crease where thigh met pelvis. Then, she hooked the leg over her shoulder. Mildred almost vibrated with the anticipation of it all. Her breath came in short, quick pants, as she watched the woman do the same thing with her other leg. With both limbs hooked over Gwendolyn’s shoulders, she crossed them at the ankles, cradling her head between her thighs. The older woman reached for where her hands were still clutching desperately at the sheets beneath her, interlocking their fingers. Gwendolyn gently ran her thumbs back and forth over the side of Mildred’s hands. Mildred peered down at her, all too aware of the steep rise and fall of her own chest.

‘Okay?’ Gwendolyn asked softly.

‘Gwen, for heaven’s _sake_ -’

The woman chuckled, gave Mildred’s hands a quick squeeze.

‘Just making sure you’re ready, darling,’ she whispered.

Then, she slowly lowered her head, blowing ever so softly over Mildred’s center. Mildred sucked in a breath and held it, eyes trained on the ceiling as her heart thrashed against her ribcage.

And when Gwendolyn finally gave her what she wanted, kissing her clit before dragging her tongue slowly over the top of it, she moaned long and loud. Heat burned through every vein and artery, her stomach muscles tensing and relaxing rapidly as her spine arched away from the mattress. Her legs crossed more tightly around the woman’s shoulders as her hips bucked towards that torturous tongue.

‘Oh, Gwen-Gwen-Gwen.’

‘Mm-hmm.’

Gwendolyn flicked her tongue quickly over the spot she had learned drove Mildred crazy, just at the side of her clit, before kissing the little nub. The younger woman cried out, a choked “oh-oh-oh” escaping from her throat. Her eyes screwed up, teeth digging so hard into her bottom lip it hurt. Finally, Gwendolyn’s lips closed around her clit, and she sucked, tongue flicking feather-light over it, and Mildred thought she might die. She whimpered, desperate coos and groans escaping from her before she could even think of stopping them.

‘Oh, _God_ ,’ she managed, legs crossing more tightly around the woman’s neck, as Gwendolyn sucked harder and shook her head from side to side.

‘Huh,’ Gwendolyn grunted, breathing heavily from the exertion, before delivering long, languid licks through the other woman’s folds.

‘P-please,’ Mildred whimpered, ‘Ins-inside.’

Gwendolyn withdrew her right hand from Mildred’s vice-like grasp, bringing it around to just beneath her chin. And then, she gently eased two fingers inside of her, as her tongue worked tirelessly at the little pearl above it, and Mildred almost screamed.

‘Oh, my God, oh – right there!’ she sobbed, giving nary a thought to how she must have looked in that moment, with her legs crossed over Gwendolyn’s shoulders, shuddering as electric currents of pleasure rippled through her whole body. She never thought it could feel like this, never had she thought she could lose control so completely and deliciously at the behest of another woman’s fingers and tongue. All she thought of was Gwendolyn, only Gwendolyn, Gwendolyn around her and inside her and all over her. She felt that tension rising inside her, as those fingers dragged back and forth so insistently, urging her higher, and higher, until – finally, mercifully – she came. She came with such a cry that her throat hurt.

It was as if her bones had disappeared. She watched as Gwendolyn unhooked her numb legs from around her shoulders and began to crawl over her, licking her lips slowly, reaching to scrunch her wet fingers on the rumpled bedsheets.

‘Well,’ the older woman breathed, when they were face to face.

Mildred barely whimpered in response. Smiling, Gwendolyn ran a soothing hand up her side, settling it on top of her chest, feeling her heartbeat like a hummingbird below her skin.

‘How are you doing?’ she asked.

‘I’m -’ Mildred gasped, panting as she fought to get more air into her lungs, ‘I’m okay.’

‘Only okay?’ Gwendolyn questioned, lifting an eyebrow.

Mildred giggled, hands reaching up to cup the woman’s face and guide her down to kiss her. The tangy taste lingering on Gwendolyn’s tongue made her shiver. She moved her hands round to the back of her head as their lips melded together, fingertips threading through tangled blonde curls. She wanted to feel her, make sure she was really there, that this was real, that she hadn’t somehow died and ascended to heaven.

Finally, Mildred’s body came back to her again, and she hooked one leg over Gwendolyn’s hip, arms wrapping over her back as she rolled them over. She sat up then, astride the other woman’s hips, gazing down at her through hooded eyes and running her own fingertips up and down her sides.

‘Am I beautiful like this?’ she asked, hoarsely, recalling Gwendolyn’s earlier comment.

The woman nodded, reaching up to run the palm of her hand down the center of Mildred’s stomach.

‘You are always beautiful,’ she whispered, ‘My beautiful girl.’

Mildred felt her stomach bubble in affection. She bent down, pressing her lips to Gwendolyn’s and resting her hands on her chest.

‘My good, sweet girl,’ Gwendolyn murmured against her mouth.

Taking a breath, Mildred kissed the woman’s cheek, reaching down with one hand, trailing the tips of her fingers down the soft expanse of her stomach. She kept her eyes on Gwendolyn’s face, drawing her bottom lip between her teeth as her hand reached its destination, whimpering in her throat at the wetness she found there.

‘Mm-hmm,’ Gwendolyn encouraged, kissing her again.

Mildred looked into her eyes, hardly daring to blink, as she slowly eased two fingers inside. She watched as the woman’s eyelids flickered and her head pressed back against the mattress.

‘Oh, that’s it,’ she urged, as Mildred slowly began to pulse her fingers in and out of her.

Mildred kissed her again, then began to move down her body, supporting her weight on one arm. She peppered kisses down the front of her throat, then between her breasts, timing each kiss with a thrust of her fingers. She felt Gwendolyn’s hands rake through her hair, gently pushing her further down until she was hovering right above her pelvis.

‘Can I?’ she asked, eyes flicking down and then back up again.

‘Please.’

With that simple utterance, that pleading request, Mildred pushed all thoughts of nervousness out of her mind. She lowered her head, and with one steadying breath, she tasted Gwendolyn for the first time.

And she tasted of salt, and smoke, and she moaned with it. She flicked her tongue, clumsy in its movements, over that bundle of nerves, trying to copy Gwendolyn’s own ministrations. Gwendolyn, for her part, was gasping, fingers raking through Mildred’s hair as she convulsed beneath her touch.

‘Jesus, Mildred,’ she hissed, words punctuated by a desperate moan as the younger woman curled her fingers inside her and dragged them slowly downwards.

It was like time stood still, then, as one woman worked her fingers and tongue determinedly between the other woman’s thighs. Eventually, after minutes, or hours – it hardly mattered – Gwendolyn’s back arched completely away from the mattress, and she reached up with one hand to push her hair from her face, whimpering into the inside of her elbow as her orgasm ricocheted through her.

Mildred moaned, feeling Gwendolyn pulse rapidly around her fingers as she pressed little kisses to the woman’s clit and the skin around it. A clammy hand soon pushed against her forehead, along with a whispered _stop-stop-stop_. And so she did, gently withdrawing her fingers and wiping them on the sheets beneath her. She crawled up alongside Gwendolyn, gazing down at her depleted form, then lay down to curl into her side and wrap an arm over her stomach.

Gwendolyn turned her head to her, still fighting to get her breath back. When the women looked at each other, at their flushed faces and swollen lips, they suddenly erupted into a fit of giggles.

‘You are just, the _most_ ,’ the older woman said, gathering herself.

Mildred quirked her eyebrows, biting her lip shyly as she leaned over the side of the bed to retrieve the coverlet from where it had, somehow, been thrown to the floor. She pulled it over the two of them, tucking herself snugly back against Gwendolyn’s side and leaning her head on her shoulder.

‘You know, the doctor said I should be _resting_ ,’ Gwendolyn muttered as she wrapped an arm around Mildred’s shoulders, tugging her closer.

‘We can rest now,’ Mildred said, placing her hand in the center of the woman’s chest to feel her slowing heartbeat.

So rest they did.

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: @LauraKatharineX  
> tumblr: laura-katharine


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